Statistics humor

Was e-mailed this link today.


(To the tune of "Baby Got Back", by Sir Mix-A-Lot)

Revised lyrics by Dorry Segev

(spoken by 2 epi grad students)
oh my god, Becky, look at his log file, it is so big,
he looks like one of those biostats grad students
but, you know, who understands biostats?
they only hired him because he looks like a total geek, ok?
i mean, his log file is like 200 pages.
i can't believe he even calculated, like, what's a Schoenfeld residual?
i mean -- gross. look! he's just so... smart!

i like good stats and i cannot lie,
you other brothers can't deny,
that when you get some data, and you put it in STATA,
and it spits out a beta of 10 you get sprung
and you're thinkin "no way -- gonna send that to JAMA today!"

couldn't be any fairer, cause i've got no residual error
oh data, i wanna get withya, regress and fit ya
my mentor tried to warn me, but those odds ratios get me so horny
ooh add a spline term, you say you wanna perfect fit?
just add a quadratic, with STATA it's automatic.

you seen my 2-tail, kickin' it on the log scale,
no leaf, no stem, got it going with GLM
i'm tired of magazines saying exact tests are the things,
take the average grad student, she will say, i like your logit way

so fellas, fellas, did you download the DTA,
well shake it, shake it, shake and regress today
baby got stats

i like my R-squared's big, the AUC i dig, i just can't help myself
analyzin' like an animal, now here's my scandal
i wanna sit at home and sum, double-up, sum-of-squares
i ain't talkin' exact test, large sample assumption is the best.

i want a high coefficient, so find a cohort study,
if the data's muddy, i'll clean it up with my buddy.
put a paper in Nature or Cell, takes 7 years to do it well,
you can tell everyone i'm a geek, but i'll write my grant in a week.

a word to you epi sistas, i wanna get withya, i won't overfit ya,
but it's gonna be great when we're playin with
Cox (Sir David, that is) til the break of dawn,
STATA got it goin' on,
a lot of people gonna be served,
they don't know their proportional hazards, but i got me a log log curve
and i shout, without a doubt, don't make me get my DO file out

so ladies, ladies, using methods from the 80's?
well don't resign, get STATA 9, and your thesis will be fine
baby got stats

yeah baby, when it comes to regression models,
epi ain't got nothing to do with my selection.
2x2 tables?
yeah, only if it's AJE

so my girlfriend likes my chevy, and thinks calculus is heavy,
but i got strict rules for "exploring" in the back of my chevy,
my final model don't want none unless your p is 0.01
you can do stepwise or subsets, or even AIC.

some brothers analyze survival, tell you censoring just dont count,
but i find them, and remind them, competing risks are behind them,
so they teach STATA in class, and the real world uses SAS,
but remember that STATA is nearly free,
and for SAS you pay a yearly fee.

scatterplots i do adore, but i can do much more,
you want prediction, i'll create it, bootstrap and validate it.
a 650 geek went too far, tried to do it all in R,
he had game but he didn't perfect it, and Annals had to reject it.

so ladies if your budget's tight, ask me to do your stats tonight,
you'll have a valid sample size, and get your nobel prize
baby got stats

(you don't get out but you got good stats)



--GG