Whether to intervene on public misbehavior?
Dear Readers,
O.k., I'm interested in people's opinions.
It's generated by a specific incident, which happened yesterday.
The broader question is: should one intervene against inappropriate behavior in public? And you could probably break it down into sub-categories, like people using foul language (repeatedly!), people damaging property, people being mean to others, and people physically being mean. You'll get a sense of what my attitude is by the end of all this.
Here's the specific: We were out doing our usual Saturday afternoon grocery shopping, and the lady in front of us had a boy, probably four or five years old, who -- as far as I could tell -- wasn't doing anything particularly wrong. Basically, instead of standing right next to his mom, he was standing maybe a metre (about 3 ft.) away. She lunged forward, grabbed his arm, and yanked him such that he was propelled into the side of the checkout counter. He stepped away from the counter, and then grabbed his arm again, semi-twisted it behind his back, bent down and hissed something in his ear, and then let go. She then stood up, said something to the check-out cashier, and was all smiles.
Through this, the kid didn't particularly react. My interpretation was that this treatment wasn't out of the ordinary, and thus didn't warrant any particular reaction.
I left the line and went out front, adrenaline pumping, hands shaking, wondering what I should do. I didn't think I should just ''let it go'' -- because I strongly believe that as human beings, it's our duty to look out for those less powerful than ourselves. I also wondered, geez -- if that's how she treats him **in public** -- then what's it like at home??? If someone doesn't let her know that, hey, what you're doing is not socially approved, then there's really no reason for her to stop, is there?
So, I went back in, looked her in the eye, and said quietly, ''I know you've probably had a hard day, but that sort of behavior isn't appropriate in public''; looked at her meaningfully; and left. In response, she smiled in what in hindsight was probably an ''I'm trying to please you'' smile -- a little bit deer-in-the-headlights, so maybe she had her only problems at home with someone else.
So, what should I have done? I'm glad I did something, but I don't think my implementation was as good as it could have been. For one thing, my statement wasn't sufficiently clear: she might have thought I was referring to her son's behavior as inappropriate; I should've specified ''inappropriate for an adult.'' And if she mis-interpreted my statement as condemning her son's behavior, maybe she took it out on him some more. Hopefully not.
When she was dragging her kid around, my first inclination was to call the cops, or mall security -- but I wasn't sure anything would come of it; and at that point, I thought that education and informal social control was more useful than straight punishment.
Dunno. But, there's things I just won't stand by and do nothing for: One is for a parent whacking on a kid; and the other is for partner violence.
The question is, what best to do?
--GG
posted by Gye Greene @ 7:46 PM
5 Comments:
I think you should have grabbed her by the arm and shaken her. Getting arrested for assault would have really shown her that this was socially unacceptable. A more realistic approach might have been to talk to the kid (within earshot of the mother) saying something like "Does your mom always hurt you like that?"
Tough call. Many adults don't take to criticism of any kind, even if they are completely in the wrong. For example, if you honk at someone who cuts you off in traffic, even if its a polite "hey you almost caused an accident here buddy" sort of honk, you will often incite fury in the other driver. I've witnessed dozens of road rage incidents like this.
People get especially defensive when it comes to their kids, the mindset being its none of your business how I (mis)treat my children. The bottom line is, people are idiots.
So, you may get lucky and get the "deer in the headlights" reaction, or you could get your lights punched out. Even worse, they could take it out on the kid later. But inaction is sort of a cop-out, so I don't know what the right answer is.
-K.
this is one of the best blogs i have read in months.
i have wanted to say something to people in public like that but i guess i never had the courage to do so. i really admire that you did it.
as far as your question goes, i am unsure. I have a pretty good record of talking to people for no reason if i have a reason to. today when i was getting gas i noticed someone's car sounded weird. it was an old mustang, and after talking to him, i found out that he put a new engine in and a supercharger. of course, that is much different then telling him he or his car is unacceptable or offering advice.
I am not sure I have a point here.
i guess the only other intelligent thing I can come up with is that if you are going to tell someone what to do, you had better have the autority to do so. chances are that your statement was largely ignored. But, what if you were wearing a cop's uniform? or, a doctor's lab coat with "so-and-so's children's hospital" on it. In theory, Cops would have the moral authority and a peditrican would have the intellectual authority to say that yanking a kid around is a bad idea.
i dunno.
good blog, nonetheless.
as anonymous said, sometimes it is better to use the child as an avenue to talk to the parent.
my wife was a social worker who would visit familys. she was told that if she saw something like this happen to say something like "ouch mom, that hurts". as though she was communicating for the child.
seems like a less confrontational way to do it and maybe more sinks in...
who knows?
Fooie,
Hey, thanks for the compliment!
Yeah, part of it is that I tend to chat with sales clerks, etc. And I'm the sort that will (discreetly) go up to people and say ''Your fly's open'', or whatever. :
--GG
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